WASHINGTON D.C. — The Department of Justice announced today it would not be moving forward with a lawsuit to dismantle Live Nation and Ticketmaster, instead opting to commend the company for its “exemplary business model.” Sources within the DOJ, speaking anonymously, suggested the department was deeply impressed by Live Nation’s ability to consistently infuriate concertgoers while simultaneously consolidating its control over the live events industry.

“Frankly, it’s a masterclass in market capture,” stated a senior DOJ official, who asked to be identified only as 'Mr. Antitrust.' “Most companies struggle to corner one segment of an industry. Live Nation has managed to own the venues, the ticketing, the promotion, and even, at times, the artists’ lunch money. It’s not a monopoly; it’s a vertically integrated fan experience.”

The decision comes despite a chorus of complaints from state attorneys general and millions of consumers who have long accused the company of anti-competitive practices, leading to exorbitant fees and limited choices. “We looked at the data,” Mr. Antitrust continued, “and while consumers report feeling ‘fleeced’ and ‘held hostage,’ Live Nation’s profits are up. That’s called efficiency, folks.”

Industry analysts speculate the DOJ’s decision could pave the way for other corporations to adopt similar ‘innovative’ strategies for market control. Live Nation’s CEO, in a statement released through a subsidiary that also owns the press release distribution service, expressed gratitude for the DOJ’s “insightful understanding of modern commerce.”

In related news, a new study found that 9 out of 10 concertgoers would rather wrestle a badger than navigate Ticketmaster’s checkout process.