DALLAS, TX – In a move described by analysts as 'inevitable, like two icebergs slowly colliding in a rapidly warming ocean,' DirecTV and EchoStar’s Dish Network have announced a definitive agreement to merge their video distribution businesses. The newly formed entity aims to corner the market on delivering content via a large, stationary dish affixed to the side of your home, a technology sources confirm is still technically functional.

“This isn’t just a merger; it’s a renaissance,” proclaimed newly appointed CEO Bartholomew ‘Barty’ Cableton, speaking from a press conference held in a dimly lit conference room featuring a prominent 'Live, Laugh, Love' sign. “We’re combining the best of both worlds: DirecTV’s unparalleled commitment to showing you the same five movies on repeat, and Dish’s legendary ability to go out during a light drizzle. Together, we will offer a truly comprehensive viewing experience for the discerning consumer who still thinks ‘Netflix and Chill’ is a brand of ice cream.”

Customers can look forward to a streamlined billing process that will somehow be even more confusing, and a customer service experience that promises to unite the hold times of two separate companies into one glorious, extended meditation on the nature of patience. Experts predict the combined company will immediately begin work on developing a new, larger satellite dish that can also double as a bird bath.

“It’s about scale,” added Chief Synergist Rhonda P. Streamington. “Now, when you call to complain about the price, we’ll have twice the number of departments to transfer you to.” The company also hinted at a revolutionary new feature: a remote control with more buttons than a commercial airplane cockpit.