NEW YORK, NY — Corporate solutions provider Alloy, Inc. today revealed its strategic decision to bring its proprietary AI technology in-house, citing a need to "accelerate client impact" and, more urgently, to figure out what exactly happens between 9 AM and 5 PM within its own walls.

“For years, we’ve been telling clients we can optimize their workflows, but frankly, our internal data on ‘employee activities’ has been… nebulous,” admitted CEO Brandon 'Biff' Sterling in a press release. “Our new AI, codenamed 'Project Insight,' will meticulously analyze everything from Slack messages to coffee break durations, finally providing clarity on how value is, or isn't, being generated.”

Sources close to the project, who requested anonymity for fear of being “optimized out of existence,” confirmed that early AI models are struggling to differentiate between “strategic collaboration” and “complaining about the new coffee machine.” One developer noted, “The AI keeps flagging 'synergy' as a potential bug, which is concerning.”

Alloy anticipates that by understanding its own workforce through an algorithmic lens, it can better advise clients on how to achieve similar levels of efficiency, or at least identify which departments are primarily responsible for the company’s electricity bill.