LOS ANGELES, CA — In a move described by many as 'long overdue,' a prominent Hollywood public relations firm has officially confirmed that paparazzi are, unequivocally, 'scummy, manipulative, and parasitic.' The statement, issued by the fictional firm 'ImageGuard PR,' follows recent high-profile condemnations from musicians Noah Kahan and Chappell Roan, who articulated sentiments long whispered in green rooms and private jets.

“For years, our clients have been telling us these people are, to use the industry term, 'the absolute worst,'” stated ImageGuard spokesperson Brenda Albright, adjusting her oversized sunglasses indoors. “But without official confirmation, it was just anecdotal. Now that we have a consensus, we can finally update our crisis management protocols to include 'acknowledging the scummy nature of the press corps' as a foundational truth.”

Albright elaborated that the firm is now advising clients to lean into their disdain. “No more polite smiles or hurried 'no comments.' If a photographer is being parasitic, feel free to say so. It’s no longer just an opinion; it’s practically policy.”

Sources close to several A-list celebrities reported a palpable sense of vindication. “It’s like someone finally said the emperor has no clothes, except the emperor is wearing a telephoto lens and hiding in a bush,” commented one anonymous pop star’s assistant. The industry now awaits official confirmation that award show speeches are, in fact, too long.