OTTAWA — Canada has officially declared next Tuesday a national holiday, 'Curling Victory Day,' following the wheelchair curling team's triumphant gold medal win at the Milano-Cortina Games. The victory marks the first time since 2014 that the squad has managed to secure top honors, ending what many pundits had termed 'The Great Sliding Stagnation.'

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, speaking from a hastily erected podium adorned with curling brooms, lauded the team's 'unwavering commitment to sliding heavy stones on ice, even when the nation was starting to quietly wonder if they'd forgotten the objective entirely.' He added, 'This proves that with enough time, and perhaps a gentle reminder of the rules, Canadian excellence will always prevail.'

Economists are already predicting a surge in national confidence, with some suggesting the gold medal could boost GDP by as much as 0.003% over the next fiscal quarter. 'It's not just about the medal; it's about the psychological impact,' explained Dr. Evelyn Putter, a professor of national morale at the University of Manitoba. 'For years, Canadians have been forced to grapple with the existential dread of not dominating *every* niche winter sport. This win allows us to once again sleep soundly, knowing our national identity is secure.'

Sources close to the Canadian Olympic Committee indicated that emergency funding has been approved for a nationwide 'Learn to Curl' program, specifically targeting individuals who have not won a gold medal in the last nine years. The goal is to ensure such a prolonged period of non-gold-winning excellence never happens again.