WASHINGTON D.C. — A groundbreaking new study has confirmed that taking a daily multivitamin might, in fact, slightly slow the rate at which human cells degrade, prompting immediate societal panic over the implications of merely existing for a longer period of time.

Researchers at the Institute for Perpetual Mild Improvement announced their findings today, suggesting that while the health benefits remain 'ambiguous at best,' participants did exhibit a statistically insignificant delay in the onset of visible existential dread. The study, funded by a consortium of supplement manufacturers and retirement home chains, did not clarify what, precisely, individuals are expected to *do* with these newfound extra moments.

“We’ve successfully pushed the envelope on biological longevity, but it seems we forgot to pack anything for the trip,” stated lead researcher Dr. Evelyn Vance, adjusting her glasses. “Our data shows you might get an extra year or two. An extra year or two of… well, you know. The usual stuff.”

Critics were quick to point out the study’s shortcomings. “An extra year of scrolling TikTok? Another 365 days of trying to remember your password?” scoffed Dr. Marcus Thorne, a bioethicist from the University of Southern Indifference. “This isn't a medical breakthrough; it’s a hostage situation.”

Meanwhile, pharmaceutical companies are reportedly rushing to develop a counter-supplement designed to speed up the aging process, ensuring a balanced market for human misery.