WASHINGTON D.C. — The U.S. Army has announced a groundbreaking initiative to deploy autonomous ground robots for battlefield casualty evacuation, emphasizing their designed-for-disposability as a key feature. The program, dubbed 'Project: Expendable,' aims to reduce human risk by sending uncrewed vehicles into high-intensity combat zones, primarily because, as one official put it, 'the cheaper the better.'

Maj. Gen. Sterling Price, head of the Army's Advanced Robotics Division, enthusiastically detailed the robots' primary function: absorbing enemy fire while attempting to retrieve wounded personnel. "These aren't your grandfather's expensive, multi-mission drones," Price stated at a press briefing. "These are purpose-built, single-use heroes. Think of them as very advanced, remote-controlled sandbags with wheels and a stretcher. Their mission success is measured not just by casualties saved, but by how many bullets they can intercept before becoming scrap metal."

Critics, primarily from the 'Robots Have Feelings Too' lobby, expressed concern over the ethical implications of creating sentient-ish machines solely for self-immolation. However, Army procurement officer Lt. Col. Brenda 'Bargain' Hunter dismissed these concerns. "We're talking about basic AI here, mostly just 'go there, grab that, try not to explode.' It's not like they're writing poetry in their downtime. Plus, the cost-benefit analysis is undeniable. A robot is cheaper to replace than a soldier, and it doesn't require a pension."

The Army anticipates a high attrition rate for the units, with initial field tests showing a median lifespan of 37 seconds under heavy fire. Future iterations are expected to come with a pre-recorded, inspirational 'last words' message.