CUPERTINO, CA – Apple today announced its groundbreaking new M5-powered MacBook Pro, a device so advanced it promises to deliver a genuinely superior experience to anyone still clinging to a laptop from the pre-pandemic era. The company’s latest offering, visually indistinguishable from its M4 and M3 predecessors, boasts processing speeds that will leave users of 2017-era machines absolutely floored.

“We understand that our loyal customers have been patiently waiting for a reason to upgrade that doesn’t involve a spilled latte,” stated Apple CEO Tim Cook during a prerecorded announcement. “And with the M5, we’re finally delivering. You’ll notice the difference. Especially if your current machine still has a headphone jack and a keyboard that actually works.”

Early reviews confirm the M5’s impressive ability to open multiple browser tabs and render 4K video without spontaneously combusting, a significant leap forward for anyone whose current laptop requires a 15-minute boot-up sequence. “It’s like going from a horse-drawn carriage to a slightly faster horse-drawn carriage, but only if your original carriage was missing a wheel,” commented tech reviewer Brenda Chen, who last upgraded her personal laptop in 2016.

Analysts predict strong sales among the demographic who still refer to 'the internet' as 'the World Wide Web' and believe 'cloud computing' involves actual clouds. The new MacBook Pro is available starting at $1,599, or roughly the cost of a down payment on a small, operational car from 2018.