CUPERTINO, CA – Apple today announced the immediate obsolescence of its entire M-series MacBook lineup with the launch of the revolutionary MacBook Neo. Company executives confirmed that while previous models were marketed as 'blazingly fast' and 'unprecedented,' they were, in retrospect, little more than glorified paperweights designed to prepare consumers for the Neo's true power.

“We understand the confusion,” stated Chief Innovation Officer, Dr. Evelyn Finch, at a press conference held in a dimly lit, minimalist auditorium. “For years, we’ve promised peak performance. With the Neo, we’re finally delivering it. Everything before this was, frankly, a beta test for your wallets.” Dr. Finch then paused for a moment, allowing the audience to absorb the implications of their past purchasing decisions.

The Neo, which reportedly outperforms all prior M-series MacBooks by an undisclosed percentage that will seem significant on a slide, features a new 'M-Infinity' chip, capable of rendering a single 8K video frame in slightly less time than its predecessor. “It’s about the feeling,” added a marketing executive, who declined to be named. “The feeling of knowing you’re finally caught up, for at least the next 11 months.”

Industry analysts predict a record-breaking upgrade cycle, as millions rush to replace their now demonstrably inferior, yet still perfectly functional, M-series devices. Apple stock surged on the news, proving once again that the only thing more powerful than cutting-edge technology is the fear of missing out on it.