TOKYO – A groundbreaking study from the Earth-Life Science Institute (ELSI) at Institute of Science Tokyo has revealed that Earth, much like a modern-day social media user, actively prolonged its own suffering during the 'Snowball Earth' period. Researchers found that chemical weathering under thick ice sheets continued to consume atmospheric carbon dioxide, effectively hitting the global 'snooze' button on warming and extending the planet's most extreme ice ages.

“We always assumed Earth was just a passive victim of its own climate during these periods,” explained lead researcher Dr. Kaito Tanaka, wiping a tear from his eye. “But it turns out, our planet was basically doom-scrolling itself into deeper ice, actively removing the very gas that could have thawed it out. It’s a level of self-sabotage we usually only see in humans trying to stick to a New Year’s resolution.”

The findings challenge the long-held belief that chemical weathering completely shut down during global glaciations. Instead, subglacial activity acted as a perverse thermostat, constantly cooling things down when a little warmth was desperately needed. “It’s like Earth had a perfectly good blanket but kept throwing it off because it thought the draft felt ‘authentic’,” added Dr. Tanaka.

Experts are now wondering if this ancient planetary behavior is merely a precursor to humanity’s own current climate strategies, suggesting the apple doesn't fall far from the geological tree.