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SportsAnalysts Confirm the Public's Primary Summer Activity Remains Aggressively Ignoring All Scheduled Programming in Favor of Literally Anything Else.
LifestyleExperts Confirm This Unique Birth Provides Humanity with a Much-Needed, Low-Stakes Distraction From Every Other Goddamn Thing.
CultureA Newly Released Federal Report Quantifies "Celebrity Emotional Investment" as a Critical Metric for Maintaining National Stability.
