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The News, Remastered

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#corporate profits

Satirical news about corporate profits. Gathers humorous articles, parodies, and comedic takes on company earnings and economic trends

Etihad CEO Pledges to Pass Fuel Savings Directly Into Executive Bonuses
Antonoaldo Neves Assures Investors That Any Relief From Falling Oil Prices Will Be "Strategically Reinvested" Into Existing Profit Structures and New Yacht Acquisitions.
Pharma AI Trained to Prioritize Shareholder Value over Human Lifespan
New Algorithms Are Set to Revolutionize Pharmaceutical Lifecycle Management by Focusing on Quarterly Earnings Reports.
USDA Greenlights Faster Slaughter Lines, Citing ‘Optimized Casualty Rate’
The USDA Says the Minimal Rise in Contamination and Worker Injuries Is an Acceptable Trade-off for Enhanced Corporate Profit Margins.

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