MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – In a move signaling its complete dominance over global information flow, YouTube has officially declared all human communication, past, present, and future, to be 'content.' The announcement comes on the heels of a report by MoffettNathanson confirming YouTube's 2025 revenue surpassed even Disney's media properties, solidifying its position as the planet's preeminent purveyor of moving images and, apparently, everything else.

Effective immediately, every conversation, grocery list, love letter, and internal monologue will be categorized under the new 'Personal Unmonetized Content' (PUC) designation. Public utterances, such as speeches, protests, or even arguing with a squirrel, will fall under 'Public Unmonetized Content' (PUC+), with the potential for future ad integration.

“We’ve simply acknowledged the inevitable,” stated Dr. Evelyn 'Evie' Chen, YouTube's newly appointed Global Head of Content Taxonomy. “If it can be recorded, transcribed, or even just thought about in a way that *could* be recorded, it’s content. And if it’s content, it belongs to us… or at least, we’re entitled to a cut.”

Industry analysts predict the move will streamline intellectual property rights and potentially lead to new revenue streams from 'thought-leader' content, where individuals could license their internal monologues for premium access. Critics, however, warn of a potential 'content-ification' of existence itself, where every human interaction is viewed through the lens of engagement metrics and monetization potential.

YouTube also hinted at future plans to retroactively apply content tags to historical events, including the signing of the Declaration of Independence and the invention of the wheel, ensuring no moment in human history escapes its algorithmic grasp.