MINDEN, NY – Local resident Brenda Mae Higgins, facing charges of animal neglect, asserted in court today that her numerous cats and dogs were not, in fact, neglected, but rather participating in a cutting-edge, holistic wellness program. Higgins' defense team presented evidence suggesting the animals were merely 'exploring non-traditional healing modalities' and 'disconnecting from the pharmaceutical-industrial complex' of modern veterinary medicine.

“My clients, the animals, were on a journey of self-discovery,” stated Higgins’ attorney, Chet Worthington, to a bewildered courtroom. “They were encouraged to listen to their bodies, embrace their inner wolf, and commune with nature. Sometimes, that involves a certain… aesthetic.” He then displayed a photo of a matted, underweight terrier, which he claimed was merely 'detoxing.'

Prosecutors countered that the 'holistic wellness program' primarily consisted of starvation, untreated infections, and a severe lack of basic hygiene. Dr. Evelyn Reed, a veterinarian testifying for the prosecution, noted, “While I appreciate the spirit of self-care, a cat with a broken leg and a dog with advanced mange are generally not ‘manifesting healing’ through neglect. They’re just in pain.”

Higgins, who reportedly runs an online coaching business specializing in 'unleashing your inner wild,' maintained that the animals' gaunt appearances were a sign of their 'spiritual lightness' and 'freedom from material attachments.' She offered to provide the court with a series of guided meditations she believed would clarify the situation.

The judge, visibly struggling to maintain composure, adjourned the proceedings, reportedly to 'consult with a dictionary regarding the definition of 'care'.'