NEW YORK, NY – In a landmark decision, the Women’s National Basketball Association has announced a new collective bargaining agreement that will see top players earn over $1 million annually, a figure previously reserved for the league’s most dedicated fans who own small businesses. The agreement, lauded by many as a significant leap forward, means that WNBA athletes will now receive compensation that is only mildly embarrassing when compared to their male counterparts.

“We are thrilled to finally offer our athletes salaries that reflect their immense talent and dedication, or at least enough to cover their utility bills and perhaps a modest vacation,” stated Commissioner Cathy Engelbert, adjusting her tie. “This is a monumental step towards recognizing the value of women’s professional sports, and by 'value,' we mean enough to stop them from having to play overseas during the off-season just to make ends meet.”

The new average salary is projected to be nearly $600,000, a figure that industry analysts confirm is indeed more than zero. “It’s a vast improvement,” noted sports economist Dr. Lionel Finch. “Previously, many WNBA players were essentially performing a public service. Now, they’re performing a public service with a decent 401k match. It’s almost like they’re real employees.”

Players expressed cautious optimism. “It’s great that I won’t have to choose between a new car and a down payment on a house anymore,” said one anonymous star, “now I can choose between a slightly nicer new car and a slightly less terrible down payment on a house.” The league hopes this move will attract more top-tier talent, provided that talent isn't also interested in, say, owning a private jet.