WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a high-level summit on the future of college sports, the Biden administration today announced the creation of the 'Office of Collegiate Athletics Oversight' (OCAO), a new federal agency dedicated to preserving the sanctity of amateur athletics. The OCAO's primary directive will be to monitor NIL (Name, Image, Likeness) deals, transfer portal activity, and any other financial transactions that might accidentally benefit a student-athlete.

“We understand that some of these young men and women are making millions, which frankly, is a little unseemly for an amateur,” stated newly appointed OCAO Director Brenda Sterling, a former NCAA compliance officer. “Our goal is to ensure that the spirit of collegiate sports remains untainted by the vulgarity of fair market value. We want them to play for the love of the game, not for a lucrative endorsement deal with a regional car dealership.”

The OCAO will reportedly employ a team of forensic accountants and ethical purity consultants to scrutinize every energy drink sponsorship and local bakery commercial featuring a college star. Sources close to the initiative suggest a cap on 'enthusiasm bonuses' and a mandatory 'character development tax' on all NIL earnings.

Meanwhile, the White House confirmed that the resignation of Ohio State University's president, who was present at the meeting, was entirely coincidental and unrelated to the intense pressure to explain why his quarterback drives a nicer car than most junior senators. The OCAO is expected to release its first set of 'Suggested Guidelines for Acceptable Student-Athlete Pennilessness' by next quarter.