SAN ANTONIO — Following a dominant statistical outing that included 32 points, 12 rebounds, eight assists, four blocks, and two steals, the National Basketball Association has reportedly fast-tracked a new regulation mandating that San Antonio Spurs phenom Victor Wembanyama occupy all five on-court positions at once. The unprecedented measure aims to formally acknowledge his pervasive influence and prevent other players from feeling increasingly redundant.

“Frankly, it’s just more efficient this way,” stated NBA Commissioner Adam Silver in a late-night press conference. “He’s already doing everything. Why pretend he’s not? This streamlines the game, reduces confusion, and allows us to finally admit that one man can, in fact, be an entire team.” Sources close to the league suggest the new rule will require Wembanyama to wear a single jersey with five different numbers, each corresponding to a traditional position.

Spurs Coach Gregg Popovich, reached for comment, reportedly just grunted and pointed at a whiteboard displaying a single, crudely drawn stick figure labeled 'Wemby.' “We’ve been preparing for this eventuality,” a team spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous, later clarified. “His pre-game stretching routine already involves a full-court sprint while simultaneously dribbling, shooting, passing, and blocking imaginary shots. He’s a quick study.”

Opposing teams are said to be in a state of disarray, with many scrambling to draft players capable of performing all five roles at once, or at least, finding a way to clone themselves. The league hopes this new rule will prevent future statistical anomalies from forcing such drastic measures, though whispers of a 'Wemby Clause' for future collective bargaining agreements are already circulating.