WASHINGTON D.C. — Vans Warped Tour, the iconic punk-rock festival, has unveiled its full lineup for the Washington D.C. stop, signaling a clear pivot towards its aging demographic. Headlining acts like Coheed and Cambria, Jimmy Eat World, and Rise Against are reportedly chosen to cater to the discerning tastes of attendees now primarily concerned with back pain and securing affordable childcare.

"We understand our audience has evolved," stated festival director Kevin Lyman, speaking through a spokesperson, Brenda Pringle, who clarified that Lyman was 'currently in a deep tissue massage appointment.' Pringle added, "Gone are the days of moshing until you puke. Our new demographic prefers a brisk head-nod and a spirited debate about property taxes. We've even replaced the infamous Slip N' Slide with a 'Sensible Footwear Testing Station.'"

Sources close to the production confirm that the festival grounds will feature expanded hydration stations offering electrolyte-infused water, and a 'Nap Zone' sponsored by Tempur-Pedic. Food vendors are reportedly shifting from greasy pizza to artisanal kale salads and gluten-free options, with a special emphasis on early bird dinner specials.

"It’s a different vibe," commented long-time Warped Tour attendee, now 38, Chad 'The Shredder' Thompson, while adjusting his lumbar support. "I used to crowd surf. Now I just hope I can find a clean bathroom and a spot to charge my phone so I can check on my kids." Organizers are also rumored to be offering a 'Parental Escape Pod' where attendees can briefly hide from their own children, who are now old enough to attend the festival themselves.

The festival will conclude promptly at 9 PM to ensure all attendees can be home in time for their evening skin-care routines and a reasonable night's sleep.