MADISON, WI – After decades of dedicated public service, State Senator Van Wanggaard (R) has confirmed he will not seek re-election, revealing his true calling: to simply exist without the burden of legislative duties. Sources close to the senator indicate his decision stems from a profound desire to experience what it’s like to not have an opinion on every single thing.
“For too long, I’ve been forced to engage with complex issues, attend committee meetings, and occasionally pretend to care about constituent concerns,” Wanggaard stated in a press release that was reportedly drafted by his cat. “Now, I look forward to a future where my most pressing decision is whether to have toast or cereal for breakfast, and whether to wear pants that day.”
Political analysts are calling the move unprecedented. “Usually, they retire to lobby, write a memoir, or run for a higher office,” explained Dr. Evelyn Pinter, a professor of political apathy at the University of Wisconsin. “Senator Wanggaard’s stated goal of ‘achieving peak couch potato’ is, frankly, refreshingly honest. It suggests a deep, existential weariness with the entire political process.”
Wanggaard’s office confirmed that his post-retirement plans include extensive napping, staring blankly at walls, and potentially learning to identify various cloud formations. He reportedly turned down several lucrative offers for consultancy roles, stating, “My brain has earned its vacation.”
His final legislative act is expected to be signing off on a bill that mandates all future political debates include a 15-minute silent meditation period.
