WASHINGTON D.C. — In a bold move to avert a looming financial crisis, the U.S. Postal Service today unveiled its innovative new 'Deliver It Yourself' program, slated to begin nationwide next year. The initiative, designed to dramatically reduce operational costs, will see citizens responsible for the final leg of their own mail delivery, effectively transforming every American into a freelance postal carrier.

Postmaster General Louis DeJoy, addressing a sparsely attended press conference held in a repurposed mail truck, lauded the plan as a return to foundational American values. “For too long, we’ve been burdened by the archaic notion that mail should simply *arrive*,” DeJoy stated, gesturing emphatically with a stack of overdue bills. “This new model fosters personal responsibility, community engagement, and, most importantly, saves us from having to ask Congress for more money, which, let’s be honest, is never going to happen.”

Under the 'Deliver It Yourself' system, mail will be sorted to regional hubs, where citizens can then pick up and distribute their own correspondence, as well as that of their neighbors, on a voluntary basis. Incentives for participation include the satisfaction of a job well done and the occasional opportunity to read someone else's junk mail. Critics, mostly just people who receive mail, have questioned the logistics.

“I’m already working two jobs; now I’m supposed to deliver my own credit card offers?” asked local resident Brenda Jenkins, who was reportedly seen attempting to retrieve a package from a drone. “What’s next, printing my own stamps?” USPS officials confirmed that printing one’s own stamps is indeed the next phase of the program, pending congressional approval.