SPRINGFIELD, IL – A groundbreaking bipartisan bill in Illinois is poised to revolutionize law enforcement by making it nearly impossible to measure police performance. The proposed legislation, which seeks to ban 'indirect quotas,' is designed to shield officers from the undue stress of having to demonstrate effectiveness through inconvenient data points like arrests, citations, or even solved crimes.

“Our officers are heroes, and heroes shouldn’t be bogged down by spreadsheets and pie charts,” stated State Senator Mildred Piffle (R-Oakhaven), co-sponsor of the bill. “This bill ensures that police work remains an art, not a science, judged by the quality of intentions rather than the tyranny of results.”

Critics of the bill, largely confined to the public and a few rogue academics, argue that accountability might be a desirable trait in public service. However, proponents quickly dismissed such notions as 'unrealistic' and 'bad for morale.'

“The very idea of an 'indirect quota' is insidious,” explained Police Benevolent Association spokesperson, Officer Chad 'The Hammer' Harrison. “It implies that if I write fewer tickets than Bob, someone might actually notice. That’s a slippery slope to expecting us to, you know, *do* things.” Harrison added that the bill would allow officers to focus on more important tasks, such as community engagement, coffee breaks, and maintaining a healthy work-life balance.

The bill is expected to pass with overwhelming support, as no politician wants to be seen as 'anti-police efficiency.' Upon passage, Illinois will become a national leader in ensuring its law enforcement agencies operate with maximum plausible deniability regarding their output.