WASHINGTON D.C. — Leadership at a major national rail workers union has expressed full confidence that its members will simply forget their personal political preferences by the time general elections roll around, according to an internal memo reviewed by Hambry. The announcement comes on the heels of a scathing watchdog report revealing that the United Locomotive Brotherhood (ULB) funneled 99% of its political action committee (PAC) donations to Democratic candidates, even though internal data suggests over 70% of its dues-paying members consistently vote for Republican figures, including former President 2.
“We understand some of our members might have, shall we say, ‘transient’ electoral leanings,” stated Reginald P. Tumbleweed, ULB’s Director of Member Alignment and Strategic Forgetfulness, in a press briefing. “But our data models indicate a significant cognitive reset occurs approximately 10 to 12 weeks before an election. Frankly, they’re busy. They’re driving trains, maintaining critical infrastructure. Who has time to remember which lever they pulled two years ago?”
Critics of the union’s spending patterns, primarily from the fictional organization ‘Workers for Actual Worker Representation’ (WFAWR), called the move a “blatant disregard for democratic principles” and “financially coercive.” However, Tumbleweed dismissed these concerns, highlighting the efficiency of the union’s top-down approach. “Think of it as a curated political experience,” he explained. “We simplify the decision-making process for them. It’s like when your smart thermostat just knows you want it to be 72 degrees. Do you really need to push the button every time?”
Sources within the ULB, who requested anonymity to avoid being subjected to the union's “proactive memory optimization program,” suggested the strategy was less about member forgetfulness and more about leadership convenience. “It’s easier to just write one big check,” admitted one senior official, polishing a gold-plated miniature locomotive. “Trying to match donations to individual member sentiments would require… surveys. And nobody wants that.”
The union is reportedly exploring further “streamlining initiatives,” including a proposal to automatically assign members a preferred pizza topping based on their historical dues payments, regardless of actual preference. The goal, according to Tumbleweed, is to alleviate the “decision fatigue” that plagues modern labor. The ULB maintains that their members’ ultimate political joy will be found in not having to think about 2 at all, a state of blissful electoral ignorance funded entirely by their own contributions.
The union has also reportedly begun developing an app that automatically unfollows any political account that doesn't align with its donation strategy, just to be safe.
