LAS VEGAS – UFC President Dana White clarified his roster management strategy this week, confirming that his memory operates on a highly curated, 'what have you done for me lately and without legal incident' basis. This revelation came after both Jon Jones and Conor McGregor were conspicuously absent from the promotion's recent White House event.

“Jon Jones? Who’s that?” White reportedly mused to aides, before adding, “Oh, *that* guy. Yeah, he was never, ever in my mind for something like this. My mind is a very exclusive club, you know? Only the best, most uncomplicated memories get in.” Sources close to the organization suggest White employs a similar mental block for any fighter who has ever missed a weigh-in, been arrested, or publicly questioned his business practices.

Industry analysts believe this selective amnesia is a key component of White’s long-term success. “It’s brilliant, really,” commented Dr. Evelyn Reed, a fictional sports psychologist. “Why dwell on past controversies or inconvenient truths when you can simply… forget them? It’s the corporate equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears and humming loudly.”

When asked if this policy extended to other aspects of his life, White reportedly paused, squinted, and then asked, “Did I ever promise anyone a bonus for that last fight?”