SAN FRANCISCO – Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi today unveiled the company’s groundbreaking new approach to autonomous vehicle technology, confirming that Uber is "absolutely crushing it" by strategically allowing competitors to shoulder all the financial and ethical burdens of innovation.

"While others were busy navigating complex regulatory landscapes, suffering public relations nightmares, and, frankly, occasionally running over pedestrians, Uber was busy doing something far more revolutionary: waiting," Khosrowshahi stated in a press conference that was notably devoid of any actual self-driving cars. "We call it 'Strategic Patience.' It's like being first, but without all the pesky 'being first' problems."

The company, which famously shuttered its own driverless car division after a fatal incident in 2018, now plans to integrate autonomous fleets developed by other, more adventurous companies. "Why build the car when you can just build the app that calls the car?" asked Chief Innovation Officer, Brenda 'The Brain' Sterling, who joined Uber after a lucrative career in competitive napping. "It’s a classic move: let the pioneers get the arrows, then stroll in and sell everyone maps to the new territory."

Industry analysts are reportedly stunned by the audacity of the plan. "It's genius, really," commented Dr. Miles P. A. Head, a professor of 'Retrospective Foresight' at the University of California, Berkeley. "They've mastered the art of failing forward by simply not moving forward at all, then claiming victory when someone else does." He added that the strategy could be applied to everything from space travel to curing cancer.

Uber confirmed that its next major initiative will involve letting other companies develop teleportation technology, so Uber can then offer 'Teleport-Share' with dynamic pricing.