MAR-A-LAGO, FL – Former President Donald Trump has issued a stern directive to Australia, demanding the nation grant asylum to the Iranian women’s national soccer team. Trump, known for his consistent stance on immigration and humanitarian aid, stated that sending the team home would be a “terrible humanitarian mistake” that Australia simply cannot afford to make.

“These are strong, beautiful women, great athletes, probably,” Trump announced from his Florida resort, reportedly while watching highlights of a different sport. “Australia has a moral obligation here, a big one. The biggest. They should let them all in, immediately. It’s the right thing to do, believe me.”

Sources close to the former president, who asked not to be identified because they were currently fetching him a Diet Coke, suggested the sudden pivot to global humanitarian advocacy was “unexpected, even for him.” One aide reportedly whispered, “I think he just saw a clip of someone else doing something he didn’t like, and this was the first thing that came to mind.”

Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese’s office issued a brief statement acknowledging the former president’s “unsolicited advice” and confirming that Australia’s immigration policies remain under the purview of Australia. Meanwhile, human rights organizations expressed cautious optimism, noting that if Trump’s newfound compassion for asylum seekers could be bottled, it might solve several global crises by Tuesday.

Trump concluded his remarks by adding, “And frankly, they’d probably be very good for their economy. Terrific people. Unlike, you know, some others.”