WASHINGTON D.C. — Following recent reports of Kristi Noem’s alleged dismissal from a non-existent Homeland Security role and the subsequent departure of her rumored paramour, Corey Lewandowski, the Trump campaign has unveiled a groundbreaking new initiative: the 'Loyalty-Based Cabinet.' This program guarantees a fresh, albeit equally nebulous, position for any staffer who has been publicly fired, disgraced, or otherwise jettisoned from a previous Trump-adjacent role.

“We’re cutting out the middleman,” stated campaign spokesperson, Brenda Harrison, from a hastily erected podium in a Mar-a-Lago ballroom. “Why go through the whole song and dance of vetting and appointing new people when we know the best talent is already out there, having been fired by us before? It’s efficient. It’s loyal. It’s very, very Trump.” Harrison clarified that the new roles, which include 'Special Envoy for Unconfirmed Allegations' and 'Undersecretary of Retribution Logistics,' will come with full benefits and an enhanced NDA package.

Sources close to the campaign suggest the program is designed to retain institutional knowledge — specifically, who to call when you need a favor and who to avoid when you’ve fallen out of favor. “It’s like a political frequent flyer program,” explained one anonymous former aide, currently awaiting his 'Director of Post-Truth Communications' appointment. “The more times you get fired, the more points you earn towards a better, more impactful, and often completely made-up job.”

The initiative is expected to significantly reduce the administrative burden of finding new personnel, as the pool of qualified candidates is already well-established and familiar with the campaign’s unique operational style.