TORONTO – The Toronto Tempo announced today the hiring of two-time WNBA champion Olaf Lange as associate head coach, a move insiders suggest is a bold new strategy to absorb winning through sheer osmosis. Lange, whose previous championship rings were reportedly acquired while serving in various coaching capacities, is expected to bring his unique aura of 'having been there when good things happened' to the struggling franchise.

"We looked at his resume, and frankly, it's impressive how often he's been within a 50-foot radius of a championship trophy," stated Tempo General Manager Brenda Walsh in a press conference. "Our data analytics team crunched the numbers, and the correlation between Olaf Lange's presence and team success is undeniable, even if the causation remains delightfully vague. We believe his mere existence on our bench will elevate our game."

Sources close to the Tempo organization, who requested anonymity because they are still trying to figure out what an associate head coach actually does, confirmed that Lange’s interview process involved less tactical discussion and more biographical storytelling. "He mostly just recounted anecdotes about being in the same arena as championship teams," one source revealed. "It was very compelling. He was there. He saw it happen. That's experience you can't buy."

Lange himself expressed enthusiasm for his new role, stating, "I'm excited to bring my winning energy, which I've meticulously cultivated over years of being near people who win, to Toronto. My philosophy is simple: if you stand close enough to a champion, eventually some of it has to rub off, right?" The Tempo hopes this innovative approach will finally translate into a championship, or at the very least, a slightly less embarrassing season.