AUSTIN, TX – The Texas State Legislature today passed the “Audible Heritage Protection Act” with unanimous bipartisan support, officially designating the right to “audible pride” as a foundational liberty for all Texans. The landmark legislation ensures citizens can express themselves with unrestrained volume, citing centuries of state tradition rooted in boisterous self-expression.
Under the new law, protected forms of audible pride include, but are not limited to, the operation of vehicles with intentionally modified exhaust systems, the amplified broadcast of music from private residences or public spaces at any hour, enthusiastic vocalizations at sporting events, and the general clamor associated with large social gatherings. State officials emphasized that any attempt to stifle these sounds constitutes a direct infringement upon the Texan spirit.
“For too long, the quiet tyranny of the easily disturbed has threatened to muzzle the very soul of our state,” stated Senator Jedediah “Jedi” Boone (R-Pecan Springs), chairman of the newly formed Committee on Sonorous Freedoms. “This act unshackles the Texan spirit, ensuring that the roar of a modified truck engine, the joyful shout of a backyard barbecue, or the unyielding bass line from a stereo system are not just tolerated, but celebrated as cornerstones of our liberty.”
The legislation allocates significant funding to the creation of the Department of Auditory Liberty, tasked with developing public awareness campaigns on the importance of sonic self-expression and defending Texans against “noise complaints lacking cultural context.” Critics who raised concerns about public health, hearing damage, or the practicalities of communal living were broadly dismissed as harboring “anti-Texan sentiment” or being unfamiliar with the state’s “robust auditory landscape.” The bill moved swiftly through both chambers, receiving more legislative attention than recent proposals concerning the state’s power grid stability or school funding initiatives.
“My neighbor’s truck sounds like a herd of buffalo mating a cement mixer at 3 AM every Tuesday,” admitted Ms. Doris Mae Jenkins, a retired schoolteacher from Plano, during a local 2 interview. “But who am I to impede his constitutional right to be, as the Senator says, ‘audibly proud’? I suppose I’ll just invest in industrial-grade earplugs, which I hear are now eligible for a state tax credit.”
The state is reportedly considering a companion bill that would mandate all public spaces maintain a minimum patriotic decibel level.
