NEW YORK, NY — Sony Pictures Classics, a division known for its discerning taste in independent cinema, today announced the appointment of John Z. Shahinian as its new Vice President of Sales. Shahinian, whose career spans over four decades, was reportedly hired to usher in a new era of sales tactics, primarily involving rotary phones and hand-delivered film reels.

Sources close to the hiring committee indicated that Shahinian’s extensive experience in “the exhibition and domestic distribution sectors” was a key factor. “John understands the fundamental truth of this business: people want to see movies, and they want to pay cash for tickets,” stated a spokesperson, who asked not to be named while trying to explain what a ‘VCR’ was to a junior marketing assistant. “His vision for theatrical release strategy involves a lot of shaking hands and perhaps a few well-placed newspaper ads.”

Shahinian himself, reached via carrier pigeon, expressed enthusiasm for his new role. “I’m excited to get back to basics,” he reportedly wrote. “We’ll focus on building relationships, one theater owner at a time. And if any of them need help threading a projector, I’m your man.” He also reportedly inquired if Blockbuster Video was still a viable distribution channel.

The move comes as Tom Prassis retires after 29 years, leaving a gaping hole in the company’s institutional memory of how digital files work. Industry analysts are now bracing for a potential resurgence of film prints and a noticeable dip in Sony Pictures Classics’ TikTok presence.