GENEVA – A team of international geologists has unveiled a revolutionary new 'rock clock' capable of dating major climate events from Earth's early history with what they describe as 'unsettling accuracy.' The technology, detailed in *Nature Communications*, has allowed researchers to pinpoint the precise moment the planet began developing conditions utterly incompatible with modern human existence.

“We’ve always known Earth was old, and frankly, a bit of a fixer-upper,” stated Dr. Petra Stone, lead researcher and head of the Paleo-Chronology Department at the University of Lausanne. “But our new ‘rock clock’ has allowed us to confirm that roughly 500 million years ago, the planet decided, ‘You know what? I’m going to make this place really uncomfortable for future carbon-emitting bipeds.’ It’s quite definitive.”

The device, which reportedly measures minute isotopic decay rates in ancient sedimentary layers, functions by essentially reading the planet’s geological diary. According to Dr. Stone, the data clearly indicates a long-term planetary trend towards conditions that favor, for example, giant ferns and trilobites, rather than air-conditioned office buildings and reliable Wi-Fi.

“The precision is truly remarkable,” added Dr. Stone, adjusting her spectacles. “We can now say with 99.9% certainty that the optimal window for human comfort closed approximately half a billion years ago. Everything since then has just been a series of increasingly desperate attempts to re-engineer a fundamentally hostile environment.”

Experts suggest the findings will have little to no impact on current climate policy, as humanity remains committed to proving geological clocks wrong.