CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a revelation poised to reshape our understanding of human longevity, researchers at the prestigious Institute for Advanced Brain Things (IABT) have published findings confirming that individuals dubbed 'super-agers' — those maintaining sharp memories into their 80s — consistently exhibit two key behaviors: inhaling oxygen and remaining alive.

“For years, we’ve been baffled by how some people just seem to… keep going,” stated lead researcher Dr. Evelyn Ponder, adjusting her spectacles. “Our extensive data analysis, involving fMRI scans, cognitive tests, and detailed lifestyle questionnaires, repeatedly pointed to these two common denominators. It’s truly astonishing how often they correlated with sustained brain function.”

The study, which tracked hundreds of participants over a decade, found a statistically significant link between regular respiration and the ability to recall names, dates, and where one left their car keys. Furthermore, subjects who continued to exist demonstrated a markedly higher capacity for memory retention than their deceased counterparts.

“It’s not just about living, it’s about the *quality* of not being dead,” explained Dr. Ponder. “We’re now exploring if perhaps eating food and drinking water might also play a role, but we don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.” Critics, however, suggest the IABT's next study might investigate if sleeping helps people feel less tired.