GENEVA – A pair of groundbreaking studies released this week have confirmed what many suspected: merely stopping the planet’s destruction isn’t going to cut it. Researchers now assert that humanity must actively reverse centuries of carbon emissions, effectively requiring a global undo button on the entire industrial age, and then some.

The studies, published simultaneously, conclude that stabilizing the climate demands sustained net-negative carbon dioxide emissions for hundreds of years. This means not just reaching 'net-zero,' but going significantly 'net-negative' – essentially sucking vast quantities of CO₂ out of the atmosphere for generations, a process for which current technology is largely theoretical.

“We’ve moved past the ‘don’t break it anymore’ phase and are firmly in the ‘put all the broken pieces back together and then some, for a very long time’ phase,” explained Dr. Evelyn Reed, lead author of one study from the Institute for Perpetual Environmental Rectification. “Think of it less as cleaning up a mess, and more like un-spilling a gallon of milk, then un-milking the cow, then un-inventing the concept of dairy.”

Another expert, Dr. Kenji Tanaka, a climate economist, noted the findings present a unique challenge. “Our models previously accounted for economic optimization under uncertainty. Now, they’re just screaming. The optimal solution appears to be a global time machine, or perhaps a collective amnesia regarding fossil fuels.”

Officials expressed optimism that the new, significantly more daunting target would finally galvanize global action, or at least provide an excellent excuse for why nothing ever gets fixed.