SAN DIEGO, CA – The San Diego Padres organization today unveiled its groundbreaking 'Bubble Wrap Protocol,' a comprehensive new strategy designed to safeguard star pitcher Joe Musgrove from the inherent dangers of professional baseball. The initiative, effective immediately, will see Musgrove encased in a custom-fitted, breathable bubble wrap suit during all non-game activities, and potentially during low-leverage innings.

Team General Manager A.J. Preller stated, “Joe is an invaluable asset, and frankly, the human body is a liability. We’ve invested heavily in analytics, and the data overwhelmingly suggests that gravity, sudden movements, and rogue pigeon attacks pose significant threats. This protocol is about mitigating risk, maximizing shareholder value, and ensuring Joe’s arm remains a perfectly preserved, multi-million-dollar commodity.”

Under the new guidelines, Musgrove will be transported to and from the stadium in a climate-controlled, shock-absorbent pod. During games, a specially trained