HOLLYWOOD, CA – In a groundbreaking display of legal and ethical fortitude, a prominent publicist has officially declared their client innocent of all charges, effectively bypassing the need for pesky investigations or judicial proceedings. Larry Stein, spokesperson for actor Timothy Busfield, issued a definitive statement this week, confirming Busfield “absolutely did not” sexually abuse actress Claudia Christian, as she recently alleged.

“My client, through me, states unequivocally that he did not lay a hand on anyone in a manner that could be construed as non-consensual or abusive,” Stein clarified in a press release that doubled as a character reference. “Frankly, to suggest otherwise is an affront to the very concept of a well-managed public image.”

Legal experts were quick to praise the innovative approach. “Why bother with evidence, witnesses, or due process when a well-placed publicist can simply declare the truth?” remarked Dr. Evelyn Hayes, a professor of PR Law at West Coast University. “It’s efficient, cost-effective, and, most importantly, maintains the narrative.”

Christian's representatives were unavailable for comment, presumably still grappling with the revelation that their client's lived experience could be so easily overwritten by a strongly worded email. The entertainment industry is reportedly considering adopting the ‘Publicist-Certified Innocent’ model for all future allegations, streamlining the entire justice system. After all, who knows a person better than the person paid to make them look good?