WASHINGTON D.C. — The Department of Defense today announced a groundbreaking new program, 'Operation Self-Service Sovereignty,' designed to outsource complex ground-level regime change operations to local, pre-vetted contractors. This innovative approach promises to reduce American 'boots on the ground' to a mere logistical footprint, focusing instead on providing robust air support and strategic guidance from a safe distance.

“Why send our brave men and women into harm’s way when there are perfectly capable, highly motivated individuals already on location?” stated General Buck Thunderfist (Ret.), newly appointed CEO of 'Freedom Delivery Solutions,' the private firm contracted to manage the program. “It’s efficient, it’s cost-effective, and frankly, they know the terrain better than we do. We’re essentially providing the air-conditioning and the GPS for their existing road trip.”

The program, reportedly inspired by recent discussions with various regional leaders, emphasizes a 'choose your own adventure' model for local groups, offering a menu of support options from drone surveillance to advanced weaponry, all contingent on alignment with U.S. strategic objectives. Participants are encouraged to submit detailed proposals outlining their desired outcomes and estimated timelines.

Critics suggest the program might inadvertently empower groups with agendas not entirely aligned with long-term stability. However, a spokesperson for the initiative countered, “We’re not asking them to be our best friends forever; we’re asking them to be our best friends for the next six to eight months, or until the current problem is solved. Then we re-evaluate.”

The Pentagon hopes this 'gig economy' approach to international relations will set a new standard for global peacekeeping, or at least for plausible deniability.