A top-secret Pentagon analysis, leaked to Hambry, has concluded with 99.9% certainty that ongoing armed conflicts are 'highly likely' to persist as long as those conflicts are, in fact, still ongoing. The groundbreaking report, which cost taxpayers an estimated $80 million, specifically cited the situation in the Middle East as a prime example of this unprecedented phenomenon.
"This represents a paradigm shift in our understanding of conflict dynamics," stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, director of the Pentagon's 'Obvious Operations' division. "For years, we operated under the quaint assumption that wars might just... stop, perhaps for a tea break. This data, however, suggests a strong correlation between active fighting and the continuation of said active fighting. It’s a complex, self-sustaining feedback loop, really. Our models show a near-perfect 1:1 ratio between 'war still happening' and 'war likely to continue'." Dr. Thorne elaborated that the study involved deploying 300 behavioral analysts, multiple high-altitude drone overflights, and an AI-powered sentiment analysis of public declarations from all warring parties, cross-referenced with satellite imagery of munitions expenditures.
The report, titled "Project Cassandra's Loop: Self-Perpetuating Hostilities and Their Probable Continuation," detailed an exhaustive, multi-year process of data collection. This included monitoring live news feeds for keywords like "explosion" and "retaliation," and consulting historical records dating back to "when people first started hitting each other with sticks and then complaining about it." A senior congressional aide, speaking on condition of anonymity due to the sensitivity of stating the obvious and the embarrassment of funding it, praised the meticulous work. "This provides crucial, taxpayer-funded justification for our continued investment in... well, everything. Imagine the chaos if we had to rely on mere observation. Now we have official documentation, signed and stamped by no less than five committees."
When pressed by Hambry reporters about the necessity of such a costly endeavor to confirm what most kindergarteners understand about playground fights, a Pentagon spokesperson simply reiterated the importance of "evidence-based policy-making in an increasingly ambiguous global landscape." They added that future studies are already underway, including "Project Gravity's Embrace: Why Objects Fall Down, Usually" and "Project Solar Cycle: Investigating the Sun's Daily Reappearance, Especially After Dark." The spokesperson declined to comment on the internal debate over whether a "conflict's continuation" might be directly linked to "people continuing to fight."
The findings are expected to be published next quarter in a limited-edition, gold-leaf volume, available exclusively to those who still believe 'intelligence' requires a comma after 'common'.
