WASHINGTON D.C. — The Department of Defense announced today a groundbreaking redefinition of what constitutes a combat injury, effectively broadening the term to encompass any physical sensation ranging from a paper cut to a mild existential crisis. The move, Pentagon sources say, is designed to reflect the military’s unwavering commitment to troop readiness and to streamline reporting of casualties.

Under the new guidelines, a 'seriously wounded' designation now requires at least three limbs to be actively detaching, while 'injured' can include anything from a stubbed toe to the emotional trauma of forgetting one's lunch. This reclassification has reportedly allowed 95% of previously 'injured' personnel to be immediately re-categorized as 'slightly inconvenienced but still capable of light duty,' such as motivational speaking or operating a remote-controlled drone.

“We’re not saying these brave men and women aren’t experiencing *something*,” stated General Buck Thunderfist, head of the newly formed 'Optimistic Casualty Assessment' division. “But an ingrown toenail, while certainly a nuisance, shouldn't prevent Private Smith from contributing to the war effort, even if that contribution is just morale support from a safe distance. We’ve even seen some return to duty with a fresh perspective on life, which we count as a net positive.”

Critics argue the new definitions are a cynical attempt to downplay the human cost of conflict. However, the Pentagon maintains that this innovative approach ensures that every service member, regardless of their current physical state, feels like a vital part of the team. They also noted that the seven fatalities remain 'deceased,' as no reclassification could realistically alter that particular status.