NORMAN, OK — The University of Oklahoma Board of Regents has unanimously approved a slate of new contracts for assistant football coaches, totaling several million dollars, while simultaneously issuing a press release emphasizing their unwavering commitment to "fiscal responsibility" and "sound financial stewardship."

Regent Chair Eleanor Vance stated that the board meticulously reviewed each contract, ensuring that every dollar allocated directly supports the university's core mission. “These aren’t just salaries; they’re strategic investments,” Vance explained, adjusting her bespoke suit. “When we pay an offensive coordinator $1.5 million, we’re investing in the holistic development of our student-athletes, the economic vitality of the state, and, frankly, the emotional well-being of our alumni who demand a winning season.”

Critics, including several underpaid adjunct professors and a student who recently discovered ramen noodles could be a luxury item, questioned the definition of "fiscal responsibility." Dr. Aris Thorne, a tenured professor in the Department of Existential Philosophy, noted, “It’s fascinating how ‘responsible’ spending always seems to involve seven-figure contracts for men who teach other men how to run with a ball, but never, say, a living wage for the people teaching actual classes.”

University spokesperson Chad 'The Hammer' Harrison clarified that the new contracts include performance incentives tied to metrics like 'team cohesion,' 'strategic play execution,' and 'not losing to Texas.' He also confirmed that the university is still actively seeking donations for the new library wing and scholarships for deserving students who can't throw a spiral 60 yards. The Board concluded its meeting by approving a modest 3% tuition increase, citing inflationary pressures.