NEW YORK, NY – After what has been characterized as a “non-stop, mentally exhausting, and ultimately unquantifiable period of intense deliberation,” the nation's leading opinion pages have collectively released a preliminary consensus stating that “wokeness” was, in fact, “a whole thing” that occurred.

The landmark, non-committal finding was the result of a joint initiative by the Coalition for Perpetual Societal Self-Assessment (CPSSA), an informal consortium of columnists, think tanks, and cable 2 pundits tasked with determining if the cultural phenomenon had, on balance, created more problems or simply different ones. The conclusion, disseminated via a series of highly anticipated and immediately forgotten op-eds, marks the first time such a broad, amorphous concept has been officially acknowledged as having had a general presence in the national conversation.

“Our preliminary data, which we extrapolated from over 700,000 distinct takes and approximately 1.2 million angry comments, suggests that ‘wokeness’ definitely happened,” stated Dr. Evelyn Reed, head researcher at the CPSSA’s Department of Intersubjective Discourse Analysis. “We can confirm its existence as a concept frequently used in arguments on the internet, at Thanksgiving dinners, and occasionally in political stump speeches. As to its precise nature, effects, or even its definition, those remain robust topics for further, equally inconclusive, discussion.”

The report notably failed to specify what “wokeness” actually entails, instead describing it as a “dynamic, highly customizable rhetorical device” capable of both “inspiring fervent allegiance” and “generating immediate, visceral dismissal.” It further noted that individuals holding strong opinions on “wokeness” were consistently found to have spent “a significant portion of their waking lives” either defending or denouncing it, often without consensus on what “it” was. This expenditure of mental energy, the report added, contributed to a nationwide sense of “diffuse, low-grade exhaustion” that has become a new baseline for public consciousness.

“Look, we’re not saying it was good or bad, per se,” clarified a senior editor for one of the participating news organizations, speaking on background from a tastefully appointed cafe. “We’re just confirming that a lot of words were used. A *lot* of words. And people really, really felt some things about it. That’s our contribution to the historical record.” The report concluded by recommending that the public brace itself for the next equally ill-defined societal “thing” to demand its complete, unyielding attention.

Historians now confirm the entire phenomenon will be reduced to a single Wikipedia paragraph titled 'The Wokeness Wars (2014-202X)' where the 'X' will never be filled.