PORTLAND, OR – In a bold move to further enhance the exclusivity and frenzied demand for its iconic footwear, Nike has confirmed that all future Air Jordan retro releases, including the recently unveiled Air Jordan 13 Retro ‘Chicago,’ will be distributed via a complex, multi-tiered micro-lottery system. The company stated this new approach is designed to ensure that only the most dedicated, and perhaps luckiest, fans have a chance to purchase a pair.

“We heard our customers loud and clear: they love the thrill of the chase,” explained Nike’s Head of Artificial Scarcity, Brenda Carmichael, in a press release. “Our new system involves a preliminary online raffle, followed by a regional in-store lottery, and finally, a biometric-verified digital draw. It’s about creating an unparalleled purchasing journey, not just selling shoes.” Carmichael added that this method would effectively combat bots, though industry experts suggest it merely replaces bot-driven automation with human-driven desperation.

Prospective buyers will need to register across three separate platforms, provide proof of previous Nike purchases totaling over $500 in the last fiscal year, and correctly answer a series of trivia questions about Michael Jordan’s career, including his batting average during his stint with the Birmingham Barons. Failure at any stage disqualifies the applicant, who will then be redirected to a page offering a 10% discount on a pair of socks.

“It’s really about celebrating the heritage,” said one hopeful sneakerhead, who has already set up three separate email accounts and a dedicated prayer altar. “If it were easy, everyone would have them. And what’s the fun in that?”

Nike estimates that the new system will reduce successful purchase rates by an additional 80%, ensuring that only the truly committed, or those with highly advanced algorithmic assistance, will ever experience the joy of a 'W'.