TORONTO – In a groundbreaking move aimed at player safety and entertainment value, the National Hockey League announced today a new 'Pre-emptive Injury' protocol. The decision comes on the heels of the recent season-ending MCL tear sustained by Maple Leafs captain Auston Matthews, courtesy of a five-game-suspension-worthy hit from Radko Gudas.

Under the new protocol, players will be permitted to declare themselves 'pre-emptively injured' up to 24 hours before a game if they anticipate encountering an opponent with a documented history of 'aggressive physicality.' This allows them to avoid the game entirely, preserving their health and ensuring their availability for future, less dangerous contests.

“We understand that some players, like Mr. Gudas, possess a unique talent for transforming routine plays into career-altering medical events,” stated NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman in a press conference that featured an unusually large display of orthopedic braces. “Rather than penalize this... *enthusiasm* after the fact, we’re empowering players to simply opt out of the potential trauma. It’s a win-win: fewer injuries, and fans still get to see the stars play, just, you know, not against *those* guys.”

Critics argue the protocol might lead to a rash of 'pre-emptive injuries' on nights when teams face particularly challenging opponents. However, Dr. Evelyn Thorne, a league-appointed 'Proactive Wellness Strategist,' dismissed these concerns. “Our data shows that 90% of all player injuries are directly correlated with being on the ice when another player hits you,” Thorne explained. “By not being on the ice, we dramatically reduce that risk. It’s basic science.”

The league is also exploring a 'Slightly Injured' designation for players who just want to sit out the third period of a blowout.