LOS ANGELES, CA — In a groundbreaking move to both curb unauthorized information leaks and boost employee morale, St. Elsewhere Memorial Hospital announced a new policy today allowing staff to officially charge for access to celebrity patient details, including photos. The initiative, dubbed “Star-Struck Care,” aims to transform the pervasive problem of confidentiality breaches into a regulated revenue stream.

Under the new guidelines, nurses, doctors, and even janitorial staff can now apply for a “Celebrity Patient Access Permit,” granting them the right to take a single, non-diagnostic selfie with a famous patient. Prices for these coveted interactions, along with the release of non-critical medical details, will be set on a sliding scale based on the celebrity’s Q-rating and social media following.

“We found that trying to prevent leaks was like trying to stop the tide with a Dixie cup,” explained hospital CEO Dr. Evelyn Thorne. “So, we leaned in. Now, instead of a rogue orderly anonymously tweeting about a rash, we have a licensed professional selling a carefully curated, high-resolution image to a reputable tabloid. It’s ethical, efficient, and frankly, a much-needed revenue stream.”

One nurse, who wished to remain anonymous but was seen polishing her phone camera, commented, “It’s about time our hard work caring for these people paid off. Plus, my kids will finally believe I met that guy from that show.” The hospital projects significant profits, which will reportedly be reinvested into better patient care – for non-celebrities.