WASHINGTON D.C. – A growing number of high-level executives and influential figures are reportedly requiring personal assistants to manage an increasingly granular list of basic motor functions and common-sense tasks, according to a new report from the Institute for Corporate Efficiency (ICE).

The trend, which ICE dubs 'Executive Functional Delegation,' sees individuals earning seven-figure salaries employing dedicated staff to perform actions such as locating car keys, operating a standard coffee maker, or discerning the appropriate time to wear a coat. The report suggests this phenomenon is particularly prevalent among those with advanced degrees in highly specialized fields.

“We’re seeing a clear correlation between net worth and the inability to distinguish between a refrigerator and a microwave,” stated Dr. Evelyn Reed, lead researcher at ICE. “One CEO, who runs a multi-billion-dollar tech conglomerate, recently hired a 'Door Opening Specialist' after repeatedly struggling with various knob and handle mechanisms. It’s not about capability; it’s about optimizing their cognitive load for 'more important' things, like synergy and disruption.”

Critics argue this development highlights a concerning detachment from reality among the powerful. However, proponents, often the executives themselves, claim it allows them to focus entirely on strategic thought. “My brain is for innovating, not for remembering how to turn on a light switch,” explained one anonymous hedge fund manager, whose 'Light Switch Operator' recently received a year-end bonus.

The report concludes that while this practice is currently limited to the ultra-wealthy, it is expected to trickle down as the definition of 'essential executive support' continues to expand beyond scheduling and email management.