WASHINGTON D.C. — In a move designed to alleviate widespread feelings of inadequacy, the Department of Public Morale today issued a groundbreaking mandate requiring all citizens to select a single area of exceptional talent and stick to it. The unprecedented order comes in the wake of reports detailing Oscar-nominated filmmaker Ryan Coogler’s past as a record-setting NCAA wide receiver, sparking a national crisis of self-doubt.

“Frankly, it’s just not fair to the rest of us,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, head of the newly formed Bureau of Singular Achievement. “One person being brilliant enough to direct 'Black Panther' *and* catch over a hundred passes for Sacramento State? It sets an unrealistic standard. How are average Americans supposed to feel about their own accomplishments when they’re constantly reminded that some people are just… better at everything?”

Under the new directive, individuals found to possess demonstrable, high-level aptitude in more than one distinct discipline will be subject to a mandatory “Talent Reduction Interview.” During this session, a panel of federally appointed experts will assist the individual in choosing their primary area of excellence, with all other skills being officially (and legally) downgraded to “hobbyist” or “tolerable.”

“We’re not saying you can’t enjoy playing the ukulele if you’re also a neurosurgeon,” clarified Thorne. “We’re just saying you can’t be *good* at both. Pick a lane, America. For the sake of everyone’s mental health.” The department confirmed that Coogler is expected to be among the first to undergo the new process, with sources suggesting he’s leaning towards filmmaking, much to the chagrin of the NFL.