WASHINGTON D.C. — NASA announced today a groundbreaking shift in its Earth Science Division, formally adopting a 'finders keepers' policy for lucrative research contracts. The move comes after a recent protest alleging conflict-of-interest in a major Earth sciences contract, which the agency now views as an 'unnecessary administrative hurdle' to progress.

“Look, we’re all adults here,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, newly appointed Director of Interpersonal Contractual Synergy, in a press conference held in a surprisingly cozy, dimly lit room. “When you spend decades building a rapport with someone, sharing lattes, discussing the existential dread of climate change over artisanal cheese boards, it just feels… right… to give them the multi-million dollar grant. It’s about trust, really.”

The new policy, effective immediately, will prioritize proposals submitted by individuals or entities with a 'demonstrable history of social engagement' with NASA’s senior leadership. This includes, but is not limited to, shared holiday card lists, mutual appreciation for obscure indie rock bands, and having children who attend the same elite private schools.

“We’re cutting through the red tape,” explained Thorne, gesturing vaguely towards a stack of what appeared to be unread grant applications. “Why waste taxpayer dollars on lengthy, impartial review processes when we already know who makes the best artisanal cheese boards? It’s efficiency, pure and simple.” Critics, primarily those who had not yet been invited to a NASA leadership potluck, expressed concern, but their complaints were quickly filed under 'unsolicited feedback' and rerouted to a spam folder.

NASA expects the new 'finders keepers' approach to significantly accelerate scientific discovery, particularly in areas where a personal connection can truly unlock the mysteries of our planet, or at least ensure a consistently good catering spread for the next big meeting.