LOS ANGELES — Major League 2 (MLB) officials are reportedly finalizing plans to introduce a 'mercy rule' specifically for games involving the Los Angeles Dodgers, following the team's historic offensive output that has left rival clubs in shambles and viewership flagging during blowout contests. The proposed rule, tentatively named the "Competitive Balance Initiative (CBI) Leveler," would automatically end any Dodgers game once they reach a 7-run lead by the 5th inning, or a 10-run lead at any point, effectively granting their opponents an immediate, albeit symbolic, forfeit.
"Frankly, it's not good for the product," stated Marvin 'Buzz' Goldberg, head of MLB's newly formed Fan Engagement and Competitive Parity Task Force, in a leaked internal memo. "While we applaud the Dodgers' financial commitment to acquiring every hitter with a wRC+ above 140, the average fan simply isn't tuning in to watch Mookie Betts hit his third grand slam of the afternoon against a team that’s already mathematically eliminated from the division race by April 20th. It’s becoming less a 2 and more a public exhibition of venture capital."
Sources close to the league’s competition committee indicate additional measures under consideration include mandatory use of wooden bats for Dodgers players while all opposing pitchers are granted an extra mound visit per inning, a 'designated bench warmer' rule requiring the Dodgers to field one player who is explicitly prohibited from contributing offensively, and a rotating 'handicap' system where the Dodgers must spot their opponents a two-run lead for every $50 million their payroll exceeds the league average. One daring proposal even suggested a 'universal DH' rule—except for Dodgers' pitchers, who would be forced to bat.
A spokesperson for the Dodgers, Ms. Krystal Sterling, expressed mild surprise at the league's intervention. "We're just playing 2 the way it's meant to be played," Sterling said, polishing a replica World Series trophy. "Our bats are hot, our training is rigorous, and our analytical department has simply identified every human being on the planet who can hit a baseball 450 feet. It's not our fault other teams aren't innovating with nine DHs and a robot pitching coach. We welcome any rule changes, provided they don't impede our ability to achieve an expected slugging percentage of .600 against left-handed pitching in humid conditions during a Tuesday night game."
League executives are hoping the CBI Leveler will restore a semblance of suspense to the season, at least until the playoffs where, as Goldberg noted in his memo, "the Dodgers will inevitably sweep the Padres and then face another equally well-funded organization in a seven-game series that will bore 80% of America." The first 'mercy rule' could be enacted as early as next week, assuming the Dodgers' lineup doesn't decide to start hitting for average instead of power, which analysts agree is statistically improbable.
The Dodgers organization maintains it is merely "optimizing shareholder value through athletic performance."
