Major League Baseball announced today the creation of the "Most Valuable Non-Shohei Ohtani" (MVN-SO) award, a new category designed to honor exceptional players who, despite their brilliance, are still technically just one person. The move comes as players like Diamondbacks phenom Corbin Carroll face a growing existential crisis, with their MVP-caliber seasons routinely overshadowed by what experts now formally refer to as "The Ohtani Event."
"It became increasingly clear that our traditional Most Valuable Player award was, frankly, insulting to everyone else," stated MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred in a prepared statement. "How do you tell a young man like Corbin Carroll, who’s hitting .280 with 20 homers and 30 steals, that he's competing against a guy who's also doing that *while simultaneously* striking out 200 batters? It's like asking a surgeon to compete with a surgeon who also built the hospital."
Sources close to the league indicated that internal analytics revealed a "zero percent chance" for any single-position or single-skill player to mathematically achieve a higher "Overall Player Value" (OPV) score than Ohtani, whose combined pitching and hitting WAR now registers on a scale previously reserved for small nations' GDP. "We ran the numbers," explained Dr. Evelyn Reed, head of MLB's newly formed 'Human vs. Machine (Ohtani Division)' research institute. "It's like comparing a regular person to a cheat code that learned to walk."
The MVN-SO award will be presented annually in both the American and National Leagues, ensuring that players who still possess only two arms, two legs, and the inability to teleport between mound and batter's box are properly recognized. Each trophy will feature a small, tasteful asterisk at the base, noting its inherent 'lesser than' status. "It's a step in the right direction," said one anonymous agent for an MVN-SO hopeful. "At least now my guys can pretend they're competing for *something* instead of just being human footnotes in the 'Age of Ohtani' encyclopedia."
Marketing departments across the league are already grappling with the implications. "How do you sell 'the next big thing' when the actual biggest thing is still actively defying physics on a nightly basis?" asked a baffled marketing executive for a team with a promising rookie. "Our analytics show fan engagement drops whenever an 'MVP candidate' is shown next to an Ohtani highlight reel. It’s like trying to sell a regular-sized dog next to a mythical beast."
The consensus among players is that while the new award is a nice gesture, it mostly serves as a stark, official reminder that they are, by league decree, competing for second place in a one-man race.
