NEW YORK, NY — Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg today announced a sweeping victory against the insidious scourge of celebrity deepfake websites, hailing the operation as a critical step in securing the digital integrity of public figures who, until now, lived in constant fear of their likeness being used to sell unapproved crypto or appear in a slightly-off pornographic context. The announcement comes after a months-long, resource-intensive investigation that culminated in the seizure of three low-traffic domains previously hosting images of varying degrees of technological competence.
“Today, we send a clear message: the digital likeness of the rich and famous is not a free-for-all,” D.A. Bragg stated, flanked by a phalanx of cyber-investigators whose previous triumphs included recovering forgotten Netflix passwords and optimizing router speeds. “My office will not tolerate the unauthorized manipulation of pixels, even if it’s just a crudely rendered Kim Kardashian wearing a pickle suit. These are the threats that keep our city's most privileged residents up at night.”
The operation, code-named 'Project Image Integrity,' reportedly diverted resources from investigations into white-collar crime, drug trafficking, and that one guy who keeps hot-gluing pigeons to the subway tracks. “We weighed the options carefully,” explained an anonymous source within the D.A.’s office. “Was it more important to bust another multi-million dollar fraud ring, or to stop someone from putting Jake Gyllenhaal’s face on a garden gnome? The choice was obvious. The gnome was deeply unsettling.”
Public defenders expressed cautious optimism. “It’s truly inspiring to see the D.A.’s office finally tackle the pressing issues of our time,” said attorney Brenda Chen, representing a client accused of shoplifting a sandwich. “My client, who has been awaiting trial for 18 months in Rikers for a petty theft, is thrilled to know that someone out there won’t have to see a slightly uncanny AI-generated image of Taylor Swift as a medieval blacksmith.”
With the digital landscape of celebrity now reportedly safe from amateur digital artists, D.A. Bragg is expected to pivot his formidable legal machinery towards even more egregious violations of public order, such as jaywalking by influencers or the unauthorized use of flash photography at fashion shows.
