RACINE, WI — State Senator Van Wanggaard (R-WI) announced Tuesday he will not seek re-election, revealing that the relentless demands of feigned shock and performative anger have finally taken their toll. Wanggaard, a fixture in the state legislature for over two decades, stated his decision was not due to health, family, or even a sudden crisis of conscience, but rather “a profound and debilitating case of outrage fatigue.”

“For years, I’ve woken up every morning, looked at the news, and found something, anything, to be absolutely livid about,” Wanggaard told reporters, his voice a weary monotone. “Whether it was gas prices, woke pronouns, or the color of the White House lawn, I had to be visibly, vocally, and consistently appalled. It’s a 24/7 job, and frankly, my outrage glands are tapped.”

Wanggaard elaborated on the rigorous schedule required to maintain his public persona. “There were days I’d have to pivot from being furious about bike lanes to incandescent with rage over a school board decision, all before lunch,” he explained. “The emotional whiplash is immense. My doctor said my cortisol levels were off the charts, and my blood pressure was consistently in the ‘righteous indignation’ zone.”

Political analysts suggest Wanggaard’s candor might open the floodgates for other politicians struggling with similar exhaustion. “The modern political landscape demands constant, high-octane fury,” noted Dr. Evelyn Reed, a professor of Political Performance Studies at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. “It’s no longer enough to disagree; you must be personally offended, betrayed, and on the verge of declaring cultural war. Many are burning out.”

Wanggaard concluded his announcement by urging his successor to invest in a good therapist and a reliable supply of antacids, adding, “And for God’s sake, learn to meditate. You’ll need it when you have to pretend that a new brand of oat milk is the end of Western civilization.”