EVANSVILLE, IN – In a groundbreaking move to combat canine and feline anxiety, Evansville Animal Care has unveiled its innovative "Emotional Support Human" program. Following a recent influx of new staff, the shelter has reallocated resources to assign dedicated human companions to its most stressed animals, aiming to provide a calming presence and personalized attention.

“We realized our animals were suffering from a profound lack of human-on-leash interaction,” stated Brenda Pawsley, Director of Pet Wellness at the facility. “Our new Emotional Support Humans will be on call 24/7, ready to offer belly rubs, existential reassurance, and, if necessary, a shoulder to cry on – or, more accurately, a pant leg to drool on.”

The program, which reportedly cost significantly less than a single corporate team-building retreat, involves humans trained in advanced petting techniques and the subtle art of speaking in soothing baby talk. These certified Emotional Support Humans will accompany animals during stressful events, such as adoption interviews, vet visits, and the dreaded bath time.

Critics of the program, primarily local humans who feel their own emotional support needs are being neglected, have been largely ignored. “Frankly, our animals have more pressing mental health concerns than the average tax-payer,” Pawsley added, gesturing towards a beagle who appeared to be contemplating the futility of existence. “They’re literally trapped here, waiting for someone to choose them. That’s heavy stuff.”

Future plans include a “Therapy Squirrel” initiative for particularly anxious cats, though logistical challenges involving tiny leashes and even tinier insurance policies are still being ironed out.

The shelter hopes the program will reduce stress-related barking incidents and ultimately lead to a higher rate of successful adoptions, as animals will be too emotionally stable to scare off potential owners with their trauma.